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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.